why is he hot and cold

A few days before everything changed, we were still together—still having sex, still close, still talking about our future.

Then, after some time without texting, she messaged me the day before the breakup.

“I need space to fix our issues.”

That’s what she said. I believed her. I thought we were both trying to work things out, that we were still in this together.

The next day, she broke up with me.

After nearly four years, just like that, it ended.

On December 10, after the breakup, she sent me a long love letter. She wrote about how much she loved me, how she was still in love with me, how sorry she was for breaking my heart. Reading it made me confused and gave me hope at the same time. I thought maybe there was still something between us, that maybe it wasn’t really over.

Later, I asked her if there was any chance for us to try again.

She said no.

Since then, I’ve seen her out—socializing, partying, hanging out with friends and guys. Every time I see her or come across something online, it feels like a punch in the chest. She seems completely fine.

I keep checking her social media, even though I know it hurts. I find myself replaying moments in my mind, analyzing who she’s with, what it means, what changed, what I missed. Even knowing it makes things worse, I keep looking, telling myself “just one more time.”

My nights and mornings are the hardest. My nervous system feels stuck in panic mode. I’m constantly comparing, overthinking, and feeling rejected and erased.

I can’t make sense of how someone can say they love you after breaking up, how they can be affectionate and intimate and talk about the future just days before leaving, and then look so “moved on” so quickly after everything. It makes me question what was real, whether I imagined the bond, whether I was ever really important.

All I have now are questions, and the same thoughts circling back, again and again.