he won't commit but won't let me go

Instead, I read that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. He said he loved me, but couldn’t promise he’d be loyal for the rest of his life, and didn’t know why he even felt that way. He wrote that he needed to figure out his own life before he could give me what I deserved. He talked about the pressure of me moving there after university, how he wasn’t happy with himself, and how he needed time.

Since October, everything had changed. He’d become distant, saying he was just too busy, too pressured, that he couldn’t give me what I needed. I kept telling him I wasn’t asking for much—just the bare minimum. But nothing changed.

That night, he called.

“You’re the only one I want to be with,” he said. “But the timing is wrong. I want to keep in contact for the next two years, so we can see where things go. I want to work on myself and be a better partner for you.”

Part of me wanted to believe him, but another part of me wondered if he just wanted to keep me around until he was ready to move on. He asked me to think about it, said he’d be happy if we could find some common ground.

He booked flights to come see me—to talk over everything one last time. I didn’t know what he expected from me. If we were broken up, I didn’t want to keep waiting or keep hoping he’d make up his mind. I wondered why someone would want to wait two years to be with someone they said they loved.

I asked him what “keeping contact” actually meant. He said he wanted to text on and off, check in on each other’s feelings, and know if either of us started seeing someone new. He wanted to see me sometimes, too. I told him that would just keep me stuck—he’d always be in the back of my mind, and I wouldn’t be able to move on.

“I’m not going to act like your girlfriend if we’re not together,” I said. “I won’t visit you, go on dates, or sleep with you.”

He said this time apart could be weeks, months, or even the full two years. I told him I couldn’t just wait around, hoping he’d eventually decide he wanted to be with me again.

I asked him directly why he couldn’t be loyal. He said the idea of settling down forever was scary, but that he didn’t plan on sleeping with anyone else—he knew he wouldn’t find better than me, so why even look? It didn’t make sense to me, the way he kept switching between wanting me and not wanting to commit.

He kept saying he needed to prioritise himself for his mental health.

I decided I’d tell him in person on January 2nd that it’s completely over. I’ve stopped planning visits, stopped wondering what he’ll decide. I’m not going to act like his girlfriend when he won’t decide if he wants to be with me or not.