he won't commit but won't let me go

“So, I wanted to talk about us. About, um, marriage.”

I kept my voice steady. “I mean, I’m not saying right now. Just… a general idea? Like, maybe getting engaged in a year or two, married around twenty-seven. I just want to know if that’s still something you want.”

“Why are you pushing this all of a sudden? We’re too young to be thinking about marriage. I’ll propose when I’m ready.”

I tried to explain it wasn’t pressure, just wanting to know if we were still on the same page. But he got defensive. We both raised our voices, and the conversation turned into an argument.

Nine years together—since high school—and I’d always felt sure. We’d talked about marriage before, back when it was some distant thing for after college. Both our families are still together, thirty years or more. It never occurred to me that we wouldn’t want the same future.

A few days later, I tried again. “I’m not expecting a ring soon. I just want to know if you see marriage with me, ever.”

Then he said, “I couldn’t make a promise for something so far into the future.”

It’s not like he’s distant in other ways. He’s always been the one to plan date nights, help around the apartment, pay the bills when I couldn’t. When I started grad school, he covered everything until my internship started. I’ve always felt secure with him—except now, when it comes to this.

Our lease ends in April. I graduate in May. I told myself I’d wait until after midterms and my birthday before trying one last time to talk, calmly, about where we stand. In the meantime, I’ve started looking at other apartments, just in case. I keep telling myself I’ll be okay, that I have friends and family who’ll help if I need it.

I don’t know what he wants. I don’t know what I’ll do if nothing changes. I just know I can’t stay in this limbo, not knowing if the person I love still wants the same future.