he likes me but doesn't see a future

I'd left New York after a relationship that had broken something in me. Paris was meant to be distance, a reset, a different version of my life.

I met him on Hinge.

The relationship felt vivid in a way I hadn't expected. We'd build Lego on his floor while Emily in Paris played in the background. One episode showed a proposal at the Wall of Love, where 'I love you' is written in hundreds of languages. I said casually that I wanted to go there the next day.

It was already nine or ten at night.

Instead of waiting, he said we should go right then.

We walked through Paris in the dark. On the way we passed an adult cinema. Out of curiosity, we went in. It became stranger and more charged than we'd anticipated. People approached us. We got nervous, ran out, ended up laughing about it on the street.

Moments like that made the relationship hard to reduce to a dating timeline.

Then he told me he couldn't see it moving toward the future he wanted. I wasn't French. I wasn't Catholic. He needed a long-term partner who shared that background.

The rejection was hard to process because it wasn't based on any failure of connection. Everything between us worked. I just didn't fit the template he had for marriage.

After it ended, Paris became tied to him.

Places we'd visited could trigger sadness. Looking through photos became difficult. When I'm especially sad, I sometimes still think of him.

I haven't gone back to those places without feeling it.

The relationship ended without a fight. Paris became a place that hurts.

I don't know how he felt. I don't know if the reason he gave was the whole reason.

What I'm left with is a question I can't answer: was he the love of my life, or did I fall in love with the life, the city, the spontaneity, and the version of myself that existed when we were together?

I'm sitting with that question rather than forcing an answer.

I don't know what I'm actually grieving.